A Year In The Life Of A Coalition; And Of An MP's Caseworker. One Even Less Covered In Glory Than The Other.

So the Coalition are celebrating their first anniversary of being in power - which means it's also a year since I started keeping this diary, for what that's worth.

Mind you, Blancmange-face* has spent the day bigging up the Government's achievements in honour of the occasion, so maybe I should follow suit, and produce a list of mine.

Um.

Oh.

God, this is depressing. There must be something I've achieved, despite Greg's version of chaos theory. Maybe I'll concentrate on pros and cons instead - and break the list down into sections to make it look even more impressive.


Molly Bennett's List of This Year's Pros and Cons

Work.

Con: I am still one of the poorest-paid members of staff on the House of Commons payroll.
Pro: I do still have a job, unlike Max.

Con: The Boss still can't write an intelligible sentence.
Pro: I have managed to prevent any letter that he's written by himself from ever reaching the slot of a post-box.

Con: Vicky is still here, flicking her hair; and her nails are still square at the ends.
Pro: She is still an unpaid intern, as far as I can tell. Though I have no idea what she actually does, apart from the above.

Con: Joan is still trapping me in the loo to talk about her Tax Credits.
Pro: I am learning to be rude, and to close the door before she starts.

Con: Labour MPs no longer have any control over government policy.
Pro: Labour MPs no longer have any responsibility for government policy.

Con: The usual suspects are all still alive.
Pro: They are also another year older and thus closer to death.


Love Life

Con: Max and I have only earned seven gold stars for having sex.
Pro: Max and I have earned seven gold stars for having sex.

Con: I have managed never to have sex with my so-called lover, unless you count the virtual kind.
Pro: He hasn't yet given up trying to persuade me to have sex with him, presumably because he doesn't meet me very often and, when he does, he can't see me at all without his glasses.

Con: Max still seems to have an unhealthy fascination for a certain nymphomaniac neighbour.
Pro: This may be outweighed by his fascination for Bambi. (I am not sure if this should count as a pro.)


Family Life

Con: Josh is still living at home; failed his A-levels, and has a dead-end job. Failure to launch in action, if that isn't an oxymoron.
Pro: Josh hasn't been arrested for anything - as far as I am aware.

Con: Connie isn't still living at home.
Pro: As above (when she comes home and argues with Josh, who then ends up in hospital).

Con: Mum still has a pain in the buttock.
Pro: She has given up being towed around on a tea tray; and has thus avoided being sectioned. By me.

Con: Dad is still besotted with the Thai Bride.
Pro: He hasn't married her. Yet, though I am not counting my chickens.


Me.

Con: I am growing more facial hair by the day, and Max doesn't find a balaclava a turn-on, or so he claims.
Pro: To be confirmed, when I've thought of one.

Con: I shall be a year older tomorrow.
Pro: We can't afford for Max to throw me another surprise party.


It's always so nice to end on a high note, isn't it? I bet Nick Clegg wishes he could say the same.



*Blancmange-face - David Cameron, in Connie-speak.