A Rescue Mission in the Middle of the Night, and News of an Oddly-Appropriate Name

Max and I are knackered when we finally get back from Connie's. No sooner has he said, "I am never moving Connie again," than he falls asleep. Not for long, though. The phone rings at 4:00am. Poor old Max has to join Robbie's dad in a rescue mission. Honestly, you couldn't make it up.

It turns out that the much-hyped beach "house" is actually a beach hut. Where staying overnight is prohibited. Josh and the others had unwisely dug an enormous fire pit late at night, which eventually got a bit out of control and caught the attention of the guy who supervises the car park. He went to investigate, and was wholly unamused to find eight teenage boys stacked on top of each other in the tiny hut.

Apparently most of the boys were sound asleep, despite the cramped conditions - but they weren't well-hidden, as their feet were sticking out of the doorway. The supervisor ordered them to leave immediately, but they were all far too drunk to drive. Hence the calls to the parental emergency services.

Josh seems to have sobered up a bit by the time Max brings him home, although his relief at being rescued appears to be based solely on having thus escaped from Robbie's snoring, which he says prevented him from getting any sleep.

"Join the bloody club," says Max.

"Well, it's not my fault," says Josh. "I was still awake when the supervisor arrived, but I was stuck under Jim and Robbie, and couldn't wriggle out. Otherwise, I'd have slept on the bloody beach. Robbie's snoring's almost as bad as Dad's"

"I'd shut up about my snoring, if I were you," says Max.

"Sorry, Dad - I'm just tired. It's been a stressful night."  Josh yawns, and sets both me and Max off too.

"Stressful? I think you ought to count your lucky stars I got rid of the supervisor before it got light," says Max. "If he'd seen that giant sand phallus you lot built, you'd have been in even more trouble."

"So how big was this beach house?" I ask Max.

"About six foot by six foot," says Max. "For Chrissake. They need their heads testing."

"Being so cramped made my broken arm a bit sore," says Josh - who never knows when to shut up.

"It's not broken," says Max. "Or not yet, it isn't. But it could be arranged if you ever pull any more stunts like that. I'm going back to bed."

That sounds like a damned good idea to me, too - so I follow suit, but we seem doomed not to get any sleep this weekend. As soon as we've both snuggled back down - temporarily united by our despair at Josh's latest shambolic adventure, my mobile starts beeping. I can't ignore it - not now Connie's no longer at home. It could be her. Instant panic. Now what's happened?

I blunder around looking for my glasses. It's such a drag not being able to read texts without them. When I can finally see, I realise that the text is from Dinah. Oh, the relief - but even that's only momentary. The message says,

"Oh. My. God. Guess what the Thai Bride's name is?"

"What is it now?" Max's voice is muffled by the pillow he's pulled over his head.

"Dinah," I say. "She wants us to guess what the Thai Bride's name is."

"Yung-Fuk," says Max. I text this suggestion to Dinah.

"It's a great guess, but it's not the one," she replies. "Was that one of Max's? Try again." Who does she think she is? Bloody Roy Walker?

"Dinah, I can't be bothered with playing Catchphrase. It's the middle of the night. Just TELL ME!"

"Porn!" is her reply. "Though you probably don't spell it exactly like that."

Christ almighty. I'm about to tell Max, when he lets out an enormous snore. It's like a flashback. I've had quite enough of that this week. In fact, I've had quite enough of this week, full stop.