Bloody Guy Fawkes. And Not For The Reason You Might Suppose.

God, I hate Guy Fawkes. Not because he wanted to blow up a load of MPs - I can understand that sentiment only too well - but because of bloody fireworks. It's not even the end of October yet, but here we go again.

Just like every other year, the phones are red-hot with constituents complaining about the effect of the damned things on Rover, or little Tiddles - and going into mind-numbing detail about exactly what said pet does in response to something going bang outside. (Usually a bit of whimpering, followed by hiding under the stairs, in case you're interested.)

I mean, I like animals as much as the next person, and don't like to see them distressed - but I wish these people would get a grip. They never phone up or write in when a neglected elderly person has lain dead in their home for weeks on end, or in response to reports that a child has been horrifically-abused. As for the poor people of Haiti, Pakistan, or anywhere else facing problems beyond our comprehension - well, they might as well not exist.

For some constituents, none of these things are sufficient to cause outrage. All's well with the world, as long as hamsters aren't being distressed by Catherine Wheels. And don't even get me started on rockets' potential for causing PTSD* in Guinea pigs. According to Miss Bloody Emms.

After a whole morning of complaints, I moan about it to Greg. Now I wish I hadn't.

"Well, it's simple," he says. "Just ask 'em if they eat meat when they call."

Honestly, has he learned nothing from the cat in the bin incident? You can't be too careful these days. In fact, I may have to talk to Joan about cancelling the Labour Party fireworks display, too. We can't afford to alienate any more voters, after all.

It looks like grinning and bearing it is the order of the day. Roll on November 6th. It can't come soon enough.

*PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Generally triggered by experiencing a traumatic event outside the experience of most people, and which causes immense psychological distress. I'm not sure if Miss Emms has read the definition recently.